Self Portrait
In Ludwig Volbeda’s intimate novel Self Portrait, a lovesick teenager grapples with their self-image.
During a school break, Jip struggles with their art class assignment. Between their attic bedroom sketches and former-affordable-housing-secret-hideout musings, they observe their beloved beetles, recount a bittersweet childhood friendship, fantasize about a new classmate, and confront their ambiguous, category-defying gender identity.
Jip’s introspections are revealed through their never-to-be-sent letters to their crush, a form that encases the book in blistering confessionality. Quiet, sensitive, and tender, Jip’s self-narrated daydreams marvel in forgotten moments; they find artful beauty in how “a bottle fly seems dirty at first glance. But move a millimeter and he turns these gorgeous shades of blue and violet. Move another fraction and here comes green. Blink and the black looks red.” Other snapshots are macabre and absurd yet humorous (Jip imagines holding a ladybug hostage to bargain for the troubling self-portrait assignment’s cancellation) or devastating if succinct: Jip contemplates how, if both they and their crush had cuts on their arms, “then maybe we’d have grown stuck together.”
The anguish of adolescence is excavated in an understated way throughout. While Jip’s family dynamic is not outright abusive, dysfunctional exchanges with their cloudcuckoolander father and hot-tempered mother are frustrating and anxious. Just as tense are Jip’s interactions with classmates, who call him a “nerd” for loving insects and demean Jip’s fascination with artists like Egon Schiele. Implicit at first, the book’s exploration of queer gender identity later becomes outright, as Jip is aggravated by how often others mistake them for a “boy” while contending with heartbreaking interpersonal ruptures that result from not fitting in either end of the boy-or-girl binary.
Heartfelt and genuine, Self Portrait is a reflective and authentic novel about growing up, art, bugs, and self-identity.
Reviewed by
Isabella Zhou
Disclosure: This article is not an endorsement, but a review. The publisher of this book provided free copies of the book to have their book reviewed by a professional reviewer. No fee was paid by the publisher for this review. Foreword Reviews only recommends books that we love. Foreword Magazine, Inc. is disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255.
