Surrogate Parents; Parents Look to Books, Not Grandma, for Help in Raising the Kids

Since 1930, when only twenty-four percent of women were in the workforce (now it’s over sixty percent) and the average household consisted of 4.1 people (now it’s only 2.6), the nuclear family has been transformed. More than sixty-three percent of families are parented by two working individuals who have little time to spend with their offspring. Many children are unhappy, pressured to keep up with grades and activities to fuel a distant-seeming future; others live with poverty or abuse, and turn to drugs or alcohol as early as eleven years old to dull the pain. Add Internet predators, child kidnappings, and live war footage on television, and it’s no wonder many children don’t seem much like children these days.
Many modern parents feel they’re in way over their heads, and they can’t even ask Grandma for advice. Either they’ve left their own childhood homes thousands of miles behind, or Grandma has left the nest in pursuit of her own goals. Without role models or experienced elders to set examples or offer pithy insights into knotty situations, what’s a young parent to do?
Look it up, of course. Publishers have been fond of how-to books for some time now. The public’s demand for books that take difficult, complex subjects and break them down into simple terms is legendary (witness the Dummies books). Such books range from very basic, with abundant gimmicks designed to make things simple for today’s drive-through parent, to serious, thoughtful books filled with insights into behavior and motivation. Guidance can be had on everything from toilet training to creating new family traditions, and the tone ranges from cutesy to earnest, tolerant to stern.
At the less complicated end of the scale, there’s Cheap Psychological Tricks for Parents: 62 Sure-Fire Secrets and Solutions for Successful Parenting, by Perry W. Buffington, Ph.D., illustrated by Jen Singh (ISBN 156145204-1), from Peachtree Publishers. The author, a psychologist and lecturer, offers both syndicated radio and print versions of his “tricks,” broken down into small, simple sound bites that follow each of the sixty-two scenarios in his book. The book’s advice is pretty sound, despite its catchy title, and, broken up as it is, even the most stressed parent should be able to glean something from it.
“Because I Said So!” Family Squabbles & How to Handle Them, by Lauri Berkenkamp and Steven C. Atkins (ISBN 0-9659258-5-4), published by Nomad Press, is another accessible book. Its chapters are short, broken up with grabby, edgy artwork and attention-getting titles such as “Having the Last Words—and Eating Them, Too” and “Where There’s Smoke, There’s a Liar.” Squabbles examines common family arguments about such things as curfews, allowances, and undone chores, and explores ways to work with kids to resolve them. Advice is amusingly presented, but also pretty savvy.
Getting into deeper waters is Teenagers Learn What They Live: Parenting to Inspire Integrity & Independence from Workman Publishing (ISBN 0-7611-2138-2). Authors Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D., and Rachel Harris, Ph.D., use examples of parents who exercise patience, firmness, understanding, and honesty to demonstrate that such examples are the best way to inspire such behavior in children. Teaching by example is a powerful tool, say the authors, and considering the public figures many young people are drawn to emulate, perhaps parents need a reminder that they themselves are their children’s primary role models.
Another kind of example comes in Active Parenting Now, by Michael H. Popkin, Ph.D. (ISBN 1-880283-49-2), from Active Parenting Publishers. This book is broken down into manageable, but very detailed, segments. Dr. Popkin’s style offers scenarios and suggestions for action, and “homework” exercises that help parents practice how to interact effectively with their children. He advocates, for example, asking children’s help, giving the child a choice, and making sure parents can live with those choices. This approach is based on the premise that parenting is difficult but essential, and that people today have little or no training in how to be a parent. Indeed, Dr. Popkin founded this publishing company in 1980 for the express purpose of teaching parents; it offers a plethora of books and videotapes on childrearing, including subjects ranging from education and violence prevention to divorce and grief. The common thread is parental involvement, something hard to do in today’s busy world, but nonetheless essential.
Sometimes the problem is communicating not only with the children, but with the other parent. Common problems facing parents are how to share the job of childrearing, and what to do when they differ on discipline or care. An excellent book from The Guilford Press, offering methods to work out differences, is When Parents Disagree and What You Can Do About It, by Dr. Ron Taffel with Roberta Israeloff (ISBN 1-57230-796-X). Filled with real-life examples from Taffel’s practice, it’s practical and reasonable, offering insights into how parents feel and how to change behavior that doesn’t help the family. Whether mothers feel that fathers don’t pay enough attention, or fathers feel that mothers are obsessed with minutiae, neither side is all right or all wrong; Taffel’s guidance offers substantial help in changing attitudes and helping both parents feel that they are, after all, on the same side.
Faith-based books on childrearing are abundant, but the most compassionate of these is a small book more like a children’s book, Planting More than Pansies: A Fable About Love, written by Stacey Bess and illustrated by Melissa Ricks (ISBN 1-57008-893-4), from Shadow Mountain/Deseret Book Company. In this slim volume with lovely, gently colored illustrations of a father and daughter in a cozy traditional home, the author points out, through the metaphor of a pansy garden that must survive the harsh winter snows, that parents must do their best and then let their children have the opportunity to stand, or fall, on their own. She also reminds parents that forgiveness and acceptance of their children’s choices are vital. Many other faith-based titles seem to focus on discipline at the expense of understanding, and this one stands out in its recognition of the fact that children are human and will make mistakes of varying severity no matter what their upbringing. Parents can use the reminder that mistakes do not have to destroy a child’s hopes for the future.
Another challenge is raising a child with special needs. Woodbine House offers many titles offering advice on coping with such disabilities as autism, Down syndrome, deafness, and spina bifida. Siblings of Children with Autism: A Guide for Families, written by Sandra Harris, Ph.D. and Beth A. Glasberg, Ph.D. (ISBN 1-890627-29-1) is a revised edition of the original, and addresses, among other things, the fears and beliefs that children may have about their disabled siblings.
One of the most difficult areas to deal with is divorce, and Webster Watnik’s Child Custody Made Simple: Understanding the Laws of Child Custody & Child Support (ISBN 0-9649404-3-4, Single Parent Press), while perhaps not strictly speaking a parenting book, certainly contributes to a parent’s understanding of the issues surrounding who will raise the child. In addition, Watnik does write about such issues as visitation, possible child abuse, and how to be supportive of a child in the midst of a divorce proceeding, in detail and with substantial references for further research.
Parents interested in spending more time with their children and encouraging them to read will find help in The Best Children’s Literature: A Parent’s Guide, by Ellen Trachtenberg (ISBN 1-931199-18-3), from Parent’s Guide Press. This book looks at hundreds of children’s books, fiction and nonfiction, and helps parents choose by subject area, age, and style. Parent’s Guide Press also offers other practical titles, including titles on money, first aid, and home schooling.
Perhaps the best advice comes from a book from Unwindology Publishing, called The Privilege of Parenting: How to Raise Great Kids in the 21st Century (ISBN 0-9678106-4-7), by James B. Levine, Ph.D. Levine takes the rather revolutionary stand that kids should be allowed to be kids, and that parents must recognize the value and importance of play in their quest to parent their children. Children don’t need all their time filled with activities of someone else’s choosing, says Levine, and they do need to be treated with respect. Parents, he says, should observe their children and listen to them, rather than reacting to them, seeking to control them, or dismissing their wants and interests in favor of adult goals for their time and training. “Unfortunately, many parents are not aware of just how crucial play is . . . [Most] teaching and learning models . . . suit the adults best, rather than . . . favor children.”
While Levine’s book is not the only one on the subject to come out in the last year, it certainly contains the most detailed advice to parents on how to select activities and parental stand-ins. Levine recognizes today’s need for parents to appoint surrogates to care for their children while they are at work, or to teach them skills parents have no knowledge of, but he devotes much attention to helping parents learn how to select these parental proxies. He also reminds parents that their goals for their children are just that: the parents’ goals. What children may want is often not considered in early childhood, and, says Levine, that is a bad thing for the children.
Levine’s is a simple-format book on a serious subject. When one considers that parents do outsource much, if not most, of their children’s time to strangers (daycare, school, sports, music/dance/karate classes, and similar activities), his message is important. In fact, parents seeking advice on parenting from books are in a sense outsourcing again. It behooves them to choose well; their children’s upbringing depends on it. Choices abound. Simple formats can contain simple wisdom—and sometimes a pansy garden can provide the finest advice of all.