Making the Connections Self-Help Books that Revitalize Relationships

"You are the sum of your relationships," says Dr. Frank Sovinsky in his book, Life--The Manual. Healthy and sacred relationships require looking "into self and out to the seventh generation" with what authors Blackwolf Jones and Gina Jones call circular vision in Sacred Self, Sacred Relationships, seeing "around us, within us, beyond us."

The autumn 2002 announcement of a strategic trade distribution alliance between Hazelden and Health Communications shows that relationship synergies work in business as well as personal relationships. These are just two of the many publishers who have set the standard in self-help, and in one of its major subcategories, relationships.

At the independent store, Transitions Bookplace, relationship self-help books are a mainstay. According to co-founder Gayle Seminara Mandel, "It is an important category where we see men and women, older and younger people." She observes that with changing role models in relationships, people are seeking guidance to understanding their partners while maintaining their own identities. "We're in relationships with people 24/7," she says. "I think people want to learn how to honor each other, get along, and understand who they are."

In this article, we?ll consider some recent ?big picture? relationship books, then look at resources that address more specific aspects of relationships.

In Life?The Manual: When the Pursuit of Happiness Makes You Miserable (Literary Press; 0-9716958-0-6), Sovinsky puts relationships at the heart of his process of coaching for peak performance. "Whether you know it or not, your life is lived through relationships," he says, identifying three: the relationship with yourself, with others, and with the world. In Sacred Self, Sacred Relationships: Healing the World for Seven Generations (Hazelden; 1-56838-789-X), the Joneses say that the process starts with building awareness of self, transforming it, then learning to balance relationships, all within the larger context of "training your spiritual eyes to see beyond this moment, thereby promoting healthy relationships with all of life."

The Passionate Buddha: Wisdom on Intimacy and Enduring Love (Inner Traditions; 0-89281-914-6) offers what author Robert Sachs calls "a testament to the value of Buddhist wisdom and practice in matters of the heart." Dealing with anger and sexuality, meditation and karma, it grows from a foundation of Buddhist ideals to create the relationships you want, culminating in an enduring love.

Frank Crocitto?s Hooray for Love: A lyrical journey to the source (Candlepower; 0-9677558-6-7) draws on the author?s lifelong preoccupation with love at the root of all relationships. "When . . . presence, attention and appropriate action come together, love flows. And it doesn?t matter who or what we are loving," says Crocitto in this collection of love poetry, allegory, drama, and fiction.

Dream analyst Layne Dalfen promises to transform dreamers, profoundly affecting the relationship with the self. Dreams Do Come True: Decoding Your Dreams to Discover Your Full Potential (Adams Media; 1-58062-636-X) is a comprehensive yet practical dream guide. Says the author, "The ability to understand our dreams gives us the opportunity to be completely in touch with our whole selves when making decisions."

In Our Secret Rules: Why We Do the Things We Do (SquareOne; 0-7570-0010-X), Jordan Weiss, MD, shares a proven successful approach to recognizing our underlying motivations. Using scenarios and questions, readers? answers provide understanding of their own secret, unconscious rules?and what to do to circumvent them.

By some accounts, we spend 60% of our time working. The Power of Two: Win BIG with People in Your Work and in Life (Possibility Press 0-938716-45-X) by Anthony Scir focuses on building strong and mutually beneficial working relationships. The author writes, "It begins with a loving caring attitude toward others, while showing an honest concern for their welfare, and keeping in touch."

What's with the number seven? Several relationship books touch on that number.

Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Wisdom from the Annals of "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" (Workman; 0-7611-2685-6), by Margery D. Rosen and the Editors of Ladies? Home Journal, celebrates fifty years of one of the most popular magazine columns ever. The foreword is by David Popenoe, PhD, Co-Director, National Marriage Project and son of the column?s originator, who was considered America?s pioneer marriage counselor. Some of those seven secrets--amply illustrated by the couples' case studies ("She talks. He talks. The counselor talks.")--are: deepen trust; communicate; fight fair; make love; team up.

The 7 Best Things Happy Couples Do (Health Communications; 1-55874-953-5) by John C. Friel PhD and Linda Friel, MA, focuses couples on the appropriate blend of "magic" and "science" as building blocks in relationships. Enlivening the text with anecdotes, the Friels illustrate what great love looks like (and what it doesn't). "Let yourself be astonished," they advise. "Own your own part, be willing to divorce, know how you chose each other, and manage your fear, hurt, shame and loneliness."

Building on the importance of boundaries in long-term relationships in Loving Your Partner Without Losing Your Self (Hunter House; 0-89793-354-0), Martha Baldwin Beveridge, MSSW, explains how to conduct a safe dialogue, what to do about boundary violations, letting go, and how to heal a relationship using the seven-step process.

The connection between love and loss is fertile territory for growth. "It does help to share stories," says Barbara Bartocci in From Hurting to Happy: Transforming Your Life After Loss (Sorin; 1-893732-54-1). Bartocci addresses all kinds of loss (home, child, spouse, dream job), along with practical wisdom and words of comfort to integrate the learning and move on.

Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self (Guilford Publications; 1-57230-641-6) by Sallie Foley, MSW, Sally A. Kope, MSW, and Dennis P. Sugrue, PhD is a comprehensive reference for women's sexuality at all stages of life. Practical and insightful, it covers understanding and making peace with the body, creating a better sexual relationship, and dealing with difficulties, and includes exercises and resources.

In Attitudes of Gratitude in Love: Creating More Joy in Your Relationship (Conari, an imprint of Red Wheel Weiser; 1-57324-765-0), M. J. Ryan reminds readers that "Creating a happy relationship is no small task." She specifically looks at expressing gratitude to our closest loved ones. Her researches uncovered the attitudes (receptivity, paying attention, assuming the best) and the practices (just begin, be explicit, remember manners) related in succinct chapters.

Caregiving is often required in our closest relationships. God Knows Caregiving Can Pull You Apart: 12 ways to keep it all together (Sorin 1-893732-44-4) by Gretchen Thompson advises caregivers to pace themselves, learn to say no, and find fellow travelers. Taking a "you are not alone" perspective, the ?God Knows? Series offers clarity and encouragement through the twists of life?s journey. Other recent series include God Knows We Get Angry and God Knows Marriage Isn?t Always Easy.

When all else fails, consider Can Your Relationship Be Saved? How to Know Whether to Stay or Go (Impact, 1-886230-41-2) by Michael S. Broder, PhD, a new offering in the "RebuildingBooks" series. The author, a clinical psychologist, provides questions to ask to make the decision, along with direction in answering those questions, and the information and strategies to act on the decisions.

Even the hermit in a cave is in relationship?at the very least with himself or herself, and with the surrounding natural world, with dreams, and with memories of interactions. We never escape relationships. As Jon Kabat-Zinn so aptly said, "Wherever you go, there you are." I would add, "There, too, are your current and past relationships." These wide-ranging resources?from the general to the specific?provide practical help for all those willing to address relationship issues of all kinds.

Sidebar

Some relationship matters have specialized appeal. Here are some good sources for very particular issues.

All women can benefit by learning these lessons about the potency of truth in enhancing intimacy. Love?s Learning Place: Truth as Aphrodisiac in Women's Long-Term Relationships (EdgeWork Books; 1-931223-04-1) by Renate Stendhal focuses on three lesbian couples and their troubles with sex, brought up in sessions with the author, a therapist. Says Stendhal, "Telling the truth is a skill that deserves to be learned and refined. One doesn't have to be a master at it before reaping the erotic benefits."

Helping Your Children Cope with Your Cancer: A Guide for Parents and Families (Hatherleigh Press; 1-57826-105-8) by Peter Van Dernoot offers anecdotes from a variety of contributors. How did others handle it? What do the kids say? Says one nurse who was ten when her father died, "A diagnosis of cancer changes a family forever. . . . Children are often the forgotten part of cancer."

Journey Not Chosen . . . Destination Not Known: Living with Bipolar Disorder (August House; 0-87483-648-4) by Mary Worthen tells the tale of the author's daughter Kristy, who was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, but not before many confusing years and terrifying delusions. Clear discussions of what the disorder is, treating it, and coping are supplemented by a resource list, glossary, and drug listing.

On a lighter note, in How to Play Bridge with Your Spouse . . . And Survive (Master Point Press; 1-894154-50-9), author Roselyn Teukolsky grew up the daughter of a "bridge marriage." Now she explores the question, "Is it possible to have a happy marriage and a successful bridge partnership?" These are the ground rules, along with anecdotes--illustrated with bridge hands!